Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
