If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
