the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
