I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
