all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
