you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
