Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
