My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
