There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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