I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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