it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
