Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
why do cheetos always look like penises
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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