You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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