Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
