WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
