Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I need help removing her.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
