Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How does one acquire holy water?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
