The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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