dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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