I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
