I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
