ya dads aren't the best wingmen
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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