Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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