Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
