WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
