dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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