WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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