U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I seem to have left my pride at pride
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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