I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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