I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
