Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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