Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
