Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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