he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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