No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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