Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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