dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
