I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
