I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
