Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
