Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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