OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
