The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
