i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I smell like Dick and happiness
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