you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
