i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
