Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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