Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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