Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
