Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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